A Yearly Theme

Some years ago I stopped making New Year’s resolutions. The narrow and specific resolutions feel like a big project to me. I’m not good at long-term project management. It’s a skill set I have on my need-for-adulthood please develop soon list. Resolutions have always seemed to mean another failed attempt at a vague concept or hollow goal that I only chose because I wanted to take part in a tradition on New Year’s Eve.  

Instead, I began a practice that was much more my style. A theme. I could choose a theme that allowed me to explore, be curious, wonder where it was going to take me, and ultimately grow more than I ever thought in the upcoming year. Maybe it sounds exactly like a resolution. Not to me. The difference is that what I’m working on within the theme can vary wildly throughout the year. That very flexibility keeps my attention all year long. The first theme I chose was “finding my voice”. This was a multi-faceted concept that ranged from exploring my authentic singing voice to expressing myself assertively.

That first year I had many successes. Since then, I have been picking a one-word concept or idea to explore. It always ends up being what I’m most needing in the last couple months leading up to New Year’s Day. At the end of 2016, what I was feeling most in need of was space. This originated from a desire to not be running over capacity all the time. I was dealing with a recent diagnoses of a life-altering sort. A brain malformation named Chiari I. I had not yet adjusted my life to accommodate for my unfamiliar and emerging needs which came as a result of my symptoms and this diagnosis. I needed space to appropriately adjust to my health challenges. 

So, in 2017, “space” was my word, my theme, of choice. As it often goes, I had some initial momentum, only to be bombarded by challenges that made it seem impossible to create space. As if the universe asked of me “Do you really want to change? Then here’s an opportunity to push through and prove it.” Change is hard, but it’s something I’m good at. I’m a stubborn bitch in many areas but especially when it comes to internal work. It’s a useful trait that I’m glad to have access to.

At first and throughout 2017 I let the idea of space be carried with me. Literally. I have a fairy door pendant I made a necklace for, opened the little magnetic door, and wrote on a small scrap of paper “space”. In what ways did I need to cultivate this for myself? There were several:

• Mental Areas
  I needed less anxious internal chatter, more mindfulness, perhaps I needed to pick back up meditation.
• My Schedule
  I didn’t want to always be answering “BUSY!!” when people asked how I was doing. I felt busy, but dull and physically taxed. Not busy in a fulfilled, happy way.
• Socially
  I was frequently doing, meeting, talking, being at a place or with people. All because I said yes to all of the things I wanted, and I pushed myself to do them. More so than any other time in my life. Too much so.
• My Home
  The clutter. Sweet baby Jesus. The stuff and resultant mess was stifling.
• My Work/Life Balance
  While ensuring I spent time with family in the evenings, I also worked most weekend days. I didn’t get to wake up and have quality mornings with my husband and child. On the weekdays I worked, I was gone before they even awoke. In addition, I began the year in what I knew was an unhealthy work environment.

The Process

In work/life balance, I spent the majority of the year working more hours than my body and mind could handle in a healthy way. I went from a dysfunctional and frustrating working culture to a downright toxic and abusive one. I felt I’d taken five steps backward. It was a major disappointment as initially I thought this move was going to be an excellent fit. A place I felt welcomed and happy. It was not. During that time I knew I was being challenged to pursue the space I needed. I asked myself questions. How much do I care about my physical and emotional well-being? What risks to my relationship with others, and what risks to my employment, am I willing to take as I pursue health? What boundaries do I have to challenge myself to uphold in order to have my well-being? What beliefs do I have that are preventing me from exploring all my options? Is my stubborn bitch mode working against me right now, and preventing the change I need?

Mentally I struggled with anxiety around family crisis situations, which challenged the general mental peace that I’ve been cultivating for years now. What peace could I find despite the turmoil? What letting go, even if only a small portion, could I do? What tears need to be cried, fears need to be spoken, support needed to be tapped? What boundaries need enforced? What self care do I need to dig deep into, and do I need to enable my stubborn bitch mode?

Socially I wanted to do all of the things! I am by nature an introverted person who has learned to do the talking thing. In the past four years or so I’ve been practicing life as a more vulnerable, authentic person. Which has led to more social contacts than I know how to handle. I’m not used to having more than a few friends, especially a lot of acquaintance types that I actually want to spend time with. Many of these people I wanted to know more about, I wanted to have the deep conversations like I do with those closest and dearest to my heart. I wanted to hear their stories. I still want to hear their stories. I learned I was spreading my social resources too thin. In the past I learned to say no to what I didn’t want, in 2017 I learned to say no to things that I wanted but could not give priority to. I had less to give those closest to me because I was spending my finite introverted social energy in small doses across too many events, people and communities. So I learned to say no. Again.

In our home my husband and I worked regularly to cull the tide of clutter and get more organized. I carted off two large trash bag sized piles of my own clothes to donate. I got better at regular habits that help keep our house more overall tidy. Not perfect, but not stress-fully messy. [A scheduled interruption and shameless plug for my perfect-for-me spouse: gosh I wish I had my husband’s habits in the housework regard. He’s a rockstar!] We also recycled old, broken and cheap plastic toys my son has amassed despite our practice of not buying that shit. We donated more toys that still were in good condition but he never played with. I went through the ADHD piles of stuff in my office and workshop which were hindering my ability to practice skill sets related to my businesses. Not to mention I listened to the advice of someone who knows me well and checked out the potentiality that I had ADHD. That was monumental and deserves a blog post all to itself!

Drawing these boundaries at work, saying no to social invites, the letting go (even in small chunks) of worries that I had no control over, periodic purging of clutter (I might one day want that, omg don’t throw it out!), and abandoning projects (I might one day get back to that omg, why am I such a lazy butt?)…all of this has culminated in creating much of the space I initially desired going into 2017.

Even as I finished that paragraph, I naturally took a deep breath. More space. It feels good.

A Half-Step Back

Yet in a couple of ways, the room I made has filled back up.

My office and workshop are a mess again. My pile of “wear-again” clothes continues to take up more and more room. One day I’ll attack these piles and messes (again) with ferocity and determination. Treating my ADHD will help with maintaining a more organized space, I’ve no doubt.

My time has been filled up with supporting two life crisis situations. I’m grateful that persistently doing work on my inner self for years, I’ve worked through my issues with boundaries and manipulation. Which means I can be a support in ways that are actually helpful, not controlling, and allow me to remain a whole and human person during the process. I’m grateful for the people that supported me through that process. I’m grateful that the space I’ve made can be used to provide support in these situations. If I was still killing myself with stress, a toxic work choice and the yes-too-much social schedule? It would be impossible to provide the empathetic and whole-hearted support I’m giving. I would easily get pulled back into my codependent ruts.

A Vision of Change

In the late spring of 2017 I had an experience I now view as a foretelling of what I was working towards. I was at a therapy appointment, and received a vitally important idea from my deeper-self during an EMDR session my therapist was facilitating. It began with a simple image of a willow tree. Since the time I was a child, I’ve found a lot of comfort and peace from willows. My deeper-self showed me this beautiful full willow with healthy green leaves growing by a calm, clear body of water. The grass was soft and welcoming, and the air looked clear. Afterwards, an image of a crowded, marshy vegetative area followed. A pale green and diminutive willow was present. Finally I heard a very clear statement; “Grow where you flourish.”

Grow where you flourish. The marsh was crowded, it wasn’t a good environment for the willow. It was surviving, yes. It existed. It had worked so incredibly hard to carve out its space amongst the many plants around it, but it was not vibrant. It didn’t have the environment it needed, the space it needed, to flourish. To thrive. I wondered, “in what environments do I flourish?” Upon much reflection and holding this idea at the forefront of my thoughts, I realized the clear indication that my ability to flourish was what my theme was making way for. My stubborn bitch attitude towards making space was really making the room for and creating the environment I need in order to flourish. I knew this was good stuff I was doing.

So today, the first of the year has arrived with an internal sense of trepidation. 2018’s word is “bravery”. I’m trying not to be scared as shit at what challenges I’ll need to surmount in order to cultivate more bravery. What will the universe throw at me this time?

“You say you want to be more brave, huh? Prove it.”